Grief Is All-Consuming: Why We Withdraw, and How Life Grows Back Around It

Grief can overwhelm us. It can also make us feel so incredibly alone. It can fill our mind, our body and our days, leaving little room for anything else. If you've withdrawn from people, stopped answering messages, or found you couldn't take in what was happening around you, you are certainly not alone.

What grief can feel like

In early grief, shock and numbness are common. People often feel dazed and have trouble taking in what has happened; some feel numb or show little emotion at first. Poor concentration, forgetfulness and difficulty focusing are expected, as are withdrawing from social activities and wanting less conversation.

It's as if there's no room left for anything else. This is often how grief often works. In the story behind Lois Tonkin's well-known model of grief, a bereaved mother described how grief initially was all-consuming.

Grief can also be incredibly lonely and this is because two things are likely happening. Firstly, we as the griever, need time and space to process what has happened. Many people choose to do this privately. We might withdraw to our place of refuge and seek comfort in solitude and tears. People often discover that grieving is both physically and emotionally exhausting - another reason we may seek solitude and sleep. The second reason grief can feel so isolating is that when we look around, we notice that the world keeps turning and life goes on as it always has. People are out socialising, laughing and having fun, while we are in the midst of unbearable pain. This can make us feel even more disconnected to others and alone in our grief.

Researchers also describe a 'dual process' model of grief whereby we often move between two states. In this model, people move between focusing on their loss and then attending to everyday life. Sometimes we will pull inward and other times we can manage to reconnect with the external environment. It may feel like a bit of a dance.

If you're supporting someone who is grieving, withdrawal isn't rejection. They may simply be unable to take anything else in right now. And if you're the one pulling away and you're finding it hard to reconnect, reaching out for support can help.

Your grief is yours

Because each of us has our own relationship with the person we've lost, nobody grieves quite as we do. Bereavement counsellors often caution against comparing your loss, or your reactions to it, with anyone else's. This is because there is no single right way to grieve and no timetable. Grief isn't a competition, and there's no ranking of whose suffering is greater.

Some grief goes unrecognised. This is known as disenfranchised grief, meaning grief that isn't openly acknowledged, socially supported or publicly mourned. People who feel they have no right to grieve, such as an ex-partner, a friend, or someone grieving a parent who is still alive with dementia, often suffer in silence. Giving yourself permission to take your grief seriously can be the beginning of healing.

How I work with grief

As a Gestalt-trained psychotherapist, I work with what's happening for you right now: what you feel, what you notice, and what hasn't yet been said. I draw on several approaches and move at your pace. Nothing is rushed, and you're always in control of what is explored.

•      Understanding what's happening. Many people worry that what they're going through isn't normal. The fog, the forgetfulness, the exhaustion, the sudden waves of weeping and the urge to withdraw can all be part of grief. I explain common grief reactions so you understand what's going on for you. Knowing what is normal can provide great reassurance.

•      The body. Many people carry grief in their body without realising it - a tight chest, heavy limbs, a knot in the stomach or feeling completely numb. Research has long linked bereavement with a range of physical conditions, and researchers have argued that some models of grief encouraged the limiting idea that grief needs working through in the mind, and not necessarily the body. Alongside talking, we might do body-based work, noticing and gently attending to what your body is holding.

•      Unfinished business. Gestalt co-founder, Perls, suggested that unexpressed feelings from past relationships create ongoing tension, which he called "unfinished business." Sometimes in a session we might speak aloud to the person who has died, using an empty chair, to say what was never said. This can be liberating, helping people to process and complete unmet needs.

•      Looking ahead, when the time is right. Once a person is ready, we might consider the future. Who are you now, as someone who has lost someone dear to you? How do you begin life again, and how do you reconnect with the people and things that matter to you? We look at small movements you can make, so that you can move forward rather than staying stuck in unresolved grief. The dual process model recognises that rebuilding and looking ahead are as much a part of grieving as feeling the loss. Moving forward doesn't mean leaving our loved one behind.

We don't "get over" grief

You've probably heard that grief ends when we have reached a state of acceptance or resolution, yet many people find this isn't their experience. Maybe Tonkin's approach is more helpful here - trusting that over time the intensity of our grief response may lessen even though it never goes away. We still grieve our loved one and all that has been lost, but life begins to gradually grow around it. Some days there's space for new experiences and hope, while other days our grief floors us all over again. Perhaps the loss doesn't shrink but we simply grow larger around it.

Making space for new experience is not disloyalty. Some people feel guilty when they realise they are carrying on with life - as if it betrays the person who has died - but you can grieve and live your life simultaneously. Gradually, as we process what has happened, grief becomes part of who we are and what we've experienced.

Tonkin's idea is one way of seeing grief, but not the only one. There are many models, and none of them is the "right" way to grieve.

If you'd like support

You don't need to be struggling badly to reach out. I work with grief, loss and bereavement at any age or stage of life, in a calm, unhurried space. If you're a Support at Home or NDIS participant, you may be able to use the clinical funds in your package or plan. Private clients may be eligible for a rebate through their health funds. If you feel you might benefit from a therapeutic conversation, please email me kategroundzero@gmail.com

If you need urgent support right now, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 (24 hours) or call 000 in an emergency. For free grief support, you can also call Griefline on 1300 845 745 (8am to 8pm, 7 days, adults 18 and over).